Decoded: The Need for the Webdings Font and Secret Codes

So you are reading this. You are actually taking the time to read this. What is your life right now? Have you eaten lunch yet? If not I suggest you do, because you're looking pale and you have BIG bags under your eyes.

There's this movie coming out with Steve Carrell, and if you're anything like me you find him bangin'. I mean he's no George Clooney but he's a heinous kind of hot. Ever heard a guy say "she's so ugly that she's hot"? I remember hearing that from a peer in the sixth grade and feeling very strange. Are sixth graders supposed to be thinking those things? Eleven and 12 year olds, disturbing.

Talk about disturbing, my mom thinks there's a mouse in our kitchen, and guess where she put the mousetrap? ON OUR STOVETOP! Oh, let me cook some noodles for dinner. Oh, wait…there's a mousetrap, so I think I'll have instant oatmeal instead. What if the mouse creeps out of wherever it's hiding while I'm making dinner and it gets its neck snapped right in front of me. I would never eat again Actually, it's the kind of trap that spins the hell out of the mouse I think. Like a carousel for mice. Just the prospect of a mouse scampering around where I make food perturbs me.

I'd also like to bring up how I OWED taxes this year. I work part-time for the federal government, and somehow I ended up owing $250. We're supposed to trust them to do the right thing with our money (cough cough healthcare bill), but they can't even take the right amount of my paycheck week to week! I went through the cracks in my sofa to gather some lose change to send to them. Not going to lie, it's not like I won't miss $250 from my bank account that I don't see a reward from. I'd rather pay my oil bill to stay warm than pay whack taxes that pay for Joe Shmoe to be unemployed for another month.

If you've taken the time to translate this, very cool. I love your sushi roll, hotter than wasabi. But on the other hand, there wasn't anything better you could have done for 5 minutes or less of your time. Clipped your nails possibly? Cleaned your bellybutton? (I know how mine gets!) Think long and hard about your existence. If you don't like it, change it. Me!

I am so proud of you all for taking the time to read this article about essentially nothing. I can't express my graditude. Thanks, You're awesome.